Former Yet Foreign
by roseperpetual
Summary: Peter had a difficult time adjusting after he returned to England.


Disclaimer: I do not own Peter Pevensie or the Chronicles of Narnia.

**Former Yet Foreign**

**i.**

When Peter stumbled back through the wardrobe, it felt like he was having the strangest dream. He half expected to see Cair Paravel transformed into candy or for pigs to fly, for this must be imaginary logic at its finest. Transforming back to a thirteen-year-old boy in the blink of an eye ranked right up there with those two as things he could not fathom actually happening. Yet he does not wake up as it stretches on, slowly turning into a nightmare. This is how he first realizes that there is something amiss; Peter had always been able to wake himself up from a horrible dream.

England, once their home, was now rather odd and foreign. His clothes were too scratchy and tight from the rations; he was used to wearing beautiful, comfortable Narnian clothes made for a king. The animals did not talk. He tried to once ask the dog, who had a very like resemblance to one of the Talking Dogs who hunted back home, if he had seen anything out of the ordinary recently. Peter was startled when the dog merely barked at him in return.

He tripped over himself for tfhe first time since he was an awkward teenager, temporarily forgetting that he was an awkward teenager again as he had reentered the stage of life he most wanted to get away from. The child's body he was imprisoned in was a few sizes too small for his liking, with his arms being thin instead of muscular like they should have been and his voice cracking at the most inconvenient moments.

He must return soon. If Narnia would have been unstable after losing one monarch, what would happen when it lost all four? Peter was sure there would be invasions, wars, things he worked so hard to prevent. People would die because of their mysterious disappearance, because it was Peter's duty to protect them all, and he very well could not defend them when he was not there. They would think that he abandoned them, that they abandoned them, and Peter could not bear that thought.

Peter, High King of Narnia, wondered if he would ever return to his country. Having never considered Narnia being the dream, so he leaned against the wardrobe, tangled in the heavy fur coats, late at night with Lucy and willed himself into Narnia. When it did not work, he hit the back of the wardrobe in frustration, gaining only a throbbing pain in his hand for his troubles.

**ii.**

His life was now divided into three different eras: Before Narnia, During Narnia and After Narnia. He fiercely longed for the time During Narnia, wondered how he could have lived in ignorance Before Narnia, and felt that After Narnia would drag on forever in a former yet foreign world.

Peter wondered if any of his siblings made the same distinction. He supposed they would; only they used different names. It showed on their faces and expressions, like when Edmund would say remember this tournament or that awful lord, when Susan got that wistful look in her eyes about her beautiful Narnian dresses, and when Lucy turned to look for one of her many friends and saw nothing.

After Narnia stretched out before them, agonizingly permanent, and Peter mourned for the life he once had but could never return to.

**iii**.

It was always Peter's duty to protect his brothers and sisters, but now it was more so After Narnia. Ironically, there were more outside dangers in Narnia than here. He noticed the dejectedness in Lucy's eyes even as she laughed, and the times when Edmund acted like a wise, clever judge instead of a ten-year-old boy. Susan, always sensible, kept a strong face, yet Peter suspected she let her mask slip when she wasn't looking.

Peter had to be strong for all of them, even Su. He didn't notice (could not comprehend) Susan felt that, while Peter was their rock, someone had to be strong for Peter.

**iv.**

One of the hardest parts, he mused, was being treated like a child again. Peter had never truly noticed it Before Narnia, though he was old enough that had it started to irk him. Yet now, he was used to having a dominion to command. Only a fool would not listen to the High King of Narnia.

Here, he was often thrown aside along with his brothers and sisters by the Macready. If he tried to protest, Peter would be scolded. No one, with the exception of Susan, bothered to scold him while he was in Narnia. He had not been treated like a child for fifteen years, so it took him a while to adapt to the feeling.

He never mentioned this directly to anyone, though, because he had to be sturdy for the others. They had just as much of a difficult time as he did. However, it showed in his actions and slight arrogance, and Edmund in particular saw right through him.

**v.**

It was the first sunny day in what seemed like an eternity, though really it was less than a week. The sun cast its golden light on the bright green grass, the flowers bloomed, and the sweet smell of fresh earth hung in the air. It was a lovely day.

Before Narnia, Peter would have gladly explored the grounds, played games with his siblings, and teased sweet Lu from the top of a tree. Susan often yelled at him to get down before he broke his leg while Edmund watched enviously below, wanting to join in but not quite knowing how.

Now, he sits at the window with Susan and stares outside glumly, thinking of how the clear blue sky would be bluer in Narnia, how the air would smell sweeter and was healthier for you, how the sun shone brighter and the grass was greener. There was no comparison. Narnia would win every time.

It was a lovely day, but loveliness paled in the slightly idealized beauty of Narnia in Peter's mind.

**vi**.

Susan and Lucy were two of the best archers Peter knew. They had fine bows and arrows when they were Narnian queens, which aided their already strong skill. Father Christmas once gave Susan a bow and a quiver of magic arrows. They were usually locked in the royal vault, only taken out in great times of need.

When he saw his sisters attempting to make clumsy bows using string and sticks, it broke his heart a little. Especially since the string was nowhere near sturdy enough to carry the arrows far. At the same time, he was impressed with their resourcefulness. It appeared to raise their spirits a bit, and for that Peter was grateful.

He resolved to somehow give them an archery set as a present, as he felt any older brother would do, but then remembered that they would be rather difficult to find.

**vii**.

While they were monarchs of Narnia, their memories of England slowly blurred together. It took many years to erase simple things, such as what a lamp-post was or who their school teachers were. None of them noticed this while it was happening, and by the time they did, they were rather focused on Narnian politics instead. They vaguely remembered their mother and father, the most important people to them, and did not bother to focus on the others.

Peter felt the memories of his time in Narnia slipping away. Every night, before he went to bed, he mentally listed all the significant memories in his head. Regardless of what the others did, he would not forget the time they defeated the White Witch or the names of his most valued friends. _(Mr. Tumnus_, he thought, the Faun Lucy met on her first trip through the wardrobe, their first Narnian friend. He wondered why he would need to do that since none of them were going to forget Mr. Tumnus.)

They discussed Narnia often between them. All of them swore never to forget it, no matter what happened, though Peter was already slightly straining to remember what had occurred.

**viii.**

Peter developed the habit of fixing his slightly heavy golden crown throughout the years, usually when it was either out of place or sometimes when he was nervous. The High King could not look like a child playing dress-up with his crown askew. It would have been most humiliating.

Now, there would be countless times where Peter would raise his hand to move his crown slightly to the right and would end up groping air. An invisible crown for a secret king seemed fitting, yet it made him feel a bit hollow and melancholy. No one would give a secret king the respect he deserved- yet he wasn't really a king anymore, was he?

**ix.**

It came at the oddest moment. He and Edmund were practicing fencing with two rather sword-like sticks, which really meant that they were slightly thicker and more pointed than all the others. They were wearing grubby clothes and completely covered in mud. Peter couldn't help but remember that in Narnia, they'd have had soft, elegant practice clothes and beautiful swords, and he made a motion to touch the crown that isn't there.

He might always long for Narnia, feeling a dull ache in his chest. They all would. Nonetheless, Peter was laughing with his brother at the absurdity of two kings with sword sticks. It hit him then: much adjusting needed to be done, but he could live outside of Narnia. They could survive together.

While he was distracted, Edmund disarmed him- a difficult feat as the slippery sticks lacked the handles of gold they were used to- and held his stick to his throat. Peter conceded and pushed himself off the ground, promptly shoving Edmund into a puddle of mud.

Lucy believed that they would return to Narnia. Aslan never said that they weren't coming back. Aslan also didn't say that they would have to leave to begin with. Peter suspected he would fit as well as a puzzle piece left out in the rain; he hoped he was wrong. Soggy puzzle pieces became dry eventually anyway. Nothing would be the same, but perhaps he could savor moments like these.

Peter would never stop wishing to return to Narnia, but maybe, if he tried, he could be nearly happy again in England.


End file.
